Contemplating Fatherhood

Journey of self discovery led me to you, lost in the turmoil of my youth that raged well over into my thirties. I dreamt about life, love and a perfect world. I fell asleep in these dreams as if they where day dreams, wishing they would envelop me and shallow me whole. That my life would change in a drastic momentum, either good or bad. At some of those times any change would be an improvement. I was like a tire stuck in mud, giving my all to get forward and when I was exhausted fall back into the same rut, over and over. Wiping the same tears and sweat off my face time and time again.

Today I am going over a bringing home my baby checklist. Day dreams become reality, faith becomes words based upon my actions. But before all of this self righteous nonsense, there was the one. My Wife, my love, my life partner, even my Nemesis for I could never defeat her, She knows me so well. She was the one that made me the one who can type to you about how hard life can be,  how low low can be.I know this because She brought me out of it. I can tell you despair doesn't love company and that misery feeds on loneness. That defeat is won by single numbers.  With pride my time with my wife feels so much longer then it is, not because it has been bad. But by the sheer number of memories (good and bad) are too numerous to think they happened in 8 years. I feel as if we walked towards each other and there's a dust storm that picks up and as we dance in the midst of this storm the world goes on around us.

So as I go over this checklist I am reminded I  have 2 weeks until I am a father, and I start to think about my success' and failures and how can I better my son's life through those. How can I pour my light of wisdom on him, how can I relate, how can I mend the gap that's spawned so many other relationships into sheer distances that cannot be reached. how can my son and I be on the same tetter totter at those poignant moments were both at eye level and be able to share my stories, my pain and my love, or will I be like so many men of this world and wait until I'm at the highest the tetter totter can go and start to share them as I look down upon my son. I pray I will be able to recognize those moments.  I also pray that I will be a man who listens as often as he speaks, for in the silence thoughts will prevail. Questions can be answered and understanding can be learnt. 

I am excited for all these experiences I am about to start this journey on, I am excited for the roots of this family are now planted and the Jess and I will fertilize often and enjoy the blooms, with all the ups there will be downs. The beauty of family is that they are experienced together and treated as  the same. No one will be perfect but if the same love is applied during the difficult times then the tunnels will not seem so long, dawn will come sooner and you will get to see the first rays of light.

I owe all of these words to my wife Jessica who is a extended valve of my heart.